Sunday, October 7, 2012
Not Perfect, But Enough: Finding Balance in the Chaos
Lately, a lot of things have been happening. Good things, exciting things, but different things. A lot of change, and a lot of stress that goes with that change. A lot of chaos. I'm transitioning, temporarily, from being mostly a stay-at-home mom to working (from home) more than half the time. It's been tough on my kids, and it's been even harder on me.
The payoff is incredible. A lifelong dream--one that came with a lot of blood, sweat and tears--is coming true. I am thrilled and excited and terrified. (More on the dream soon!)
Mostly I feel like I'm doing a lot of things, and I'm doing them all badly. Anxiety is making me less productive at a time when I need to bring my A-game. Self-doubt is crippling my ability to do what used to be as natural as breathing. I'm overwhelmed.
This weekend, I had a smallish meltdown. Coincidentally (or not?) my mom and dad were in town to talk me off my ledge and convince me everything was going to turn out OK. Well, not convince, exactly, but they calmed me down, dried my tears and got me settled back on my path. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for them.
Today, I'm slowing down for a minute. Taking stock of what I need to accomplish and what I can let go of. I can't do everything perfectly. I can't do everything, period. We tell our kids that all the time. Just try your best. Why are moms so bad at taking their own best advice?
I need to try my best.
I need to try my best, and have faith that it will be enough.
Not perfect, but enough.
I've missed my blog, and my Karma readers. I miss being here, where everything started and everything, I hope, will end. Collecting and sharing my thoughts here is one of the magical pieces of my life. Letting it go has only made me feel like I'm spinning in space. Unbalanced. I want that to change.
With a plan in place to do fewer things but better, I'm following my wise mother's advice to "just slow down, take deep breaths, and take it one step at a time," and my wise sailor father's advice to "close the hatches, pull up the anchor, put out the spinnaker and find fair winds and following seas" (a more elaborate explanation in another post, promise.) I'm sitting here in my newly karma'd up work space, trying to find a little balance in the chaos, taking a minute to stop in and say hi and just breathe for a minute before I go back to work.
To write...with focus. With intention. With the very best I have inside me.
And then in 30 minutes, my iPhone timer will go off and I will go be a mom again.
To snuggle and tease and feed and wash and read and sing to my kids. With focus. With intention. With the very best I have inside me.
That's the best I can do.
Somehow it will be enough.