The Me in Mommy

It's been awhile.

Here's the problem: I'm overwhelmed. Just when I had things down, just when E and I had reached a stage of perfect symbiosis, just when I'd figured out how to parent/work/cook/clean/relax and still shower and put on makeup in the morning, we went and had another kid. And the whole thing went straight to hell.

My first temptation was to phone the whole thing in and just survive. I've got a lot on my plate, probably too much, and everyone keeps telling me to give myself a break. Newborn+toddler+absentee husband means I get a pass on having my act together, right? Wrong.

It took me almost eighteen months to get the "me" back in Mommy after I had E. That's a long time to feel like you're a stranger in your own skin. When I finally got my groove back, I felt like my old self and a brand new person at the same time. I can't let finding that balance take so long now that baby N's on the scene. I already indulged/wallowed in several blurry weeks of sweatpants and dirty dishes, takeout and messy ponytails. Now it's time for real-person clothes, a clean and organized house, some home-cooked meals, and a coat or two of mascara. I'm a better mom, a better wife and a better person when I'm feeling like myself. My whole self, not just the fragmented parts that remain when life gets out of balance.

Call it the "fake it till you make it" plan. If I look like a person that plays happily with her kids, cooks dinner, showers regularly, and is genuinely content and in control of her own life, I become that person. If I smile often enough, even when I'm exhausted, even when I'm feeling crazy sorry for myself, eventually I start smiling for real. And that's enough to snowball the rest of it into place, one chaotic moment at at time.

All of this is really just a long preamble to admitting that yes, I used precious babysitting hours this week NOT to work on assignments, NOT to vacuum my floors, NOT to do uninterrupted arts and crafts projects with E, but to do silly things. Selfish things. Essential-to-my-mental-health things.

Checked off my personal, sanity-preserving to-do list?

Bikini wax. Mani/pedi. Shopping trip to H&M (because even if my body is far from "back," I need something to wear in the meantime, right?) Trip to Whole Foods to buy spirulina, flax seed, and fresh fruit for the feel-good smoothies I had to give up when I was pregnant. I went to Starbucks, bought a latte, and drank it sitting down. I got the car washed (because a dirty car makes me anxious and depressed.) I sat quietly and read a chapter of my book (Jonathan Franzen's Freedom, AMAZING.) I didn't make it to yoga class, but I still have some post-delivery stuff going on that made it impossible. Fingers crossed I'll get there next week.

It should be noted here that a messy house, an out-of-control to-do list and a sad, neglected blog also make me itchy and unhappy, so it won't be until those things are also in order that I'll be able to do the one thing everyone and their mother (and especially mine) keeps telling me to do: RELAX.

I know I should probably feel guilty about being unable to cope when I'm un-groomed and wearing dumpy clothes. There's a lot of other things I need to turn my attention to now that I've indulged my prima donna side, like thank-you notes and deadlines and cleaning out the refrigerator. And oh, yeah, the two very small people that I'm solely responsible for 24/7. But if there's one things I've learned as a not-so-new mom, it's that taking care of myself in the small, silly ways makes a big difference in the quality of my parenting. For better or for worse, I'm the mom that needs a manicure in order to deal with toddler temper tantrums and all-night nursing marathons. Everything looks brighter with a fresh coat of You Don't Know Jacques on my nails...